Listen!

We started reading 'Meditating on the Word' by Dietrich Bonhoeffer for Small Groups this term at OE and it has refreshed the way I approach spending time in the Bible. My devotional life has always had it's ups and downs. Growing up in church, I grabbed onto some religious expectancies that have left me always feeling guilty for not reading enough, not memorizing enough....reading just to fulfill my obligation to God cause I should. But as God has a way of doing, He has helped peel off some of the layers of lies that I believe and reveal His heart on the issue. He is not angry or disappointed or giving me that 'Come oooon Jessica' face with a shake of the head when I'm not in the Word. That is what I would do, that is how we would respond. His love and patience are incomprehendable. He has lovingly showed me that all that He feels is desire....to be close to His daughter. He does it without expectation so He's never disappointed. I wish I loved like this. This makes me want to draw so near to Him. To crawl up into His lap and know Him intimately and let Him change me.
So this book, it asks you to approach your time in the Word differently. To read with different intentions. My past intentions have a lot of the time centered around an obligation. I lost sight of the joy of being truly fed by the Word. The author instructs us to meditate on scripture and by meditate I mean really chew on it until it has spoken uniquely to your spirit and you have heard the voice of God clearly and then and only then move on to the next passage. To read with the intention of hearing and don't leave until you hear Him speak. This is why the Word is called alive...it is meant to speak.
So I have started a new journal. Instead of pouring out my thoughts and prayers to Him (I have one of those journals too...anybody else have 400 journals going at once?....anyway) I intend to write the things He says to me. I hope this will force me to listen. I hope this will get me more and more in tune with the sound of His voice. I hope this will make the Word alive in me as it should be.

Eeeew...Me.

I'm sick and tired of being a stinkin' sinner. There is nothing more frustrating and maddening to me than when I get a mirror reflection of myself and my sinnerness. I guess it is definitely something God allows and opens my eyes to see, because it can be a change agent. I was talking to a friend the other day and as we talked about different relationships, I felt like I just kept becoming more and more aware of my failures in communication and judgment in those relationships. I part that worries me is that I thought I was doing ok. Yup, thought I had it aaaalll figured out. Blaaahhhh! How gross. Anyway, I say this as a reminder, mainly to myself, that we can so easily become self-sufficient. When there is no huge trial going on in our lives, we're serving at church, going to church and taking notes, even working there. We pray everyday and read a verse here and there and our relationship with God is not bad. We're doin' good ya' know? That's when it can happen. And does to me. Self-Sufficiency. I've prayed before that God would teach me without a trial or without testing, but in these moments I realize why He allows them and why we need them. Can anyone relate?

Constant

My beloved OE friends. Yes, we know this. Yes, we have read it and been told it while sitting in the pews. And yes, we have experienced it while most of the time being obliviously unaware. But now, we are experiencing it in all it's reality. The only constant. The only real thing. The only truth. Yes, this One who we sing about and pray to and serve is the ONLY thing that is real....the only constant. These relationships go so deep because of HIM. This love we have and are so grieved to leave behind is a gift from HIM. So I choose to praise. I have to. We have seen the hand of the living God bind us together, answer our prayers so clearly and definitely, change us, grow us, heal us, inspire us, find joy and pleasure in us and somehow even use us. Thank you Father. It has all the time been You. You alone.
Love you all more than my words could ever capture.

Feelings....Nothing more than feeelings.

I just hate feelings. They overtake me sometimes to the point that I am trapped by them. They lie and deceive. There is really no truth in them. Yet how many times a day do I make decisions based on them? How much do I let them effect the way I treat people, the way I think of others, the way I think of myself, and hold on.....the way I think of God. This one saddens my heart the most. He has been reaffirming to me that the only truth, the absolute ONLY things that are absolute truth are the words written on the pages of His Word. These words should determine which decisions I make, the way I treat people, the way I think of others and myself. Just thought I'd share in case anyone else is falling into the feeling trap. The battle is in the mind. The weapon is His Word.

Proverbs 28:26 He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, But whoever walks wisely will be delivered.

Sometimes it Clicks

Pastor Bob quoted this verse tonight and I've heard it hundreds of times, but tonight it came alive in my spirit. Colossians 1:27 "Christ in you, the hope of glory." (The whole first chapter of Colossians is ridiculously mind-blowing in case you haven't read it in awhile, it's worth a re-read.) This is also ridiculously mind-blowing......Christ, the living God of the universe is IN ME! What the? I wish this was more a reality in my thoughts and actions in every moment of life because if I would live as though this were truth, than this verse could finally become more than words on a page. Me: drawn to sin, prone to wander, 'always on my mind', I have hope that the glory of God can be pictured in me. Some of the characteristics I love so much about Jesus could actually be portayed in me. I know most of you who may read this know this already, but if you're like me, you are in awe of this relationship we get to have with Him. I can't get over it really. This makes me sing. This makes me worship in truth. This makes my heart spill with love for Him. This makes my arms physically reach for Him. Man, how redonkulously blessed are we??

I want to remember...really remember. I hope this reminds you too. Thank you Jesus for picking me, for taking my punishment, for choosing to perform this unthinkable act that made me reconciled and at peace with You for eternity. I love You so.

Isaiah 52:13 – 53:12 (NLT)

“See, my servant will prosper; he will be highly exalted. Many were amazed when they saw him beaten and bloodied, so disfigured one would scarcely know he was a person. And he will again startle many nations. Kings will stand speechless in his presence. For they will see what they had not previously been told about; they will understand what they had not heard about.

Who has believed our message? To whom will the Lord reveal his saving power? My servant grew up in the Lord's presence like a tender green shoot, sprouting from a root in dry and sterile ground. There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance, nothing to attract us to him. He was despised and rejected a man of sorrows, acquainted with bitterest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way when he went by. He was despised, and we did not care.

Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God for his own sins! But he was wounded and crushed for our sins. He was beaten that we might have peace. He was whipped, and we were healed! All of us have strayed away like sheep. We have left God's paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the guilt and sins of us all. He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet he never said a word. He was led as a lamb to the slaughter. And as a sheep is silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth. From prison and trial they led him away to his death. But who among the people realized that he was dying for their sins that he was suffering their punishment? He had done no wrong, and he never deceived anyone. But he was buried like a criminal; he was put in a rich man's grave.

But it was the Lord's good plan to crush him and fill him with grief. Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have a multitude of children, many heirs. He will enjoy a long life, and the Lord's plan will prosper in his hands. When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish, he will be satisfied. And because of what he has experienced, my righteous servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous, for he will bear all their sins. I will give him the honors of one who is mighty and great, because he exposed himself to death. He was counted among those who were sinners. He bore the sins of many and interceded for sinners.”

Is that all??

I am struck by this question tonight....Could willingness be all He needs? I am distracted, unprepared, flesh, yet He uses me. Now that I write that, maybe He doesn't even need willingness. I can recall times when He's used me even when I hadn't necessarily made an acknowledgment of willingness. Am I the only one who has ever thought about this? I'm sure this discussion could push into the whole Calvanism/Arminianism debate, but the main thing I wonder is HOW could He use me......EVER?? Maybe I'll never know or understand exactly the role I play in being used of God, but I have found that sometimes willingness is all He needs. I've barely spoken His name, sin in my heart, a mind focused on self.....but one simple prayer....."Father, use me!"....and for some crazy, unimaginable reason....He does. This comforts me.